heya.

i decided to have a change in blog from now on. so today would most prob the last time im here.

ha. had been using this for like.. years? kinda sad to let it go actually. but nowadasys i realised there are many uncessary readers. haha. which is not wad i want. and this is a place where i would love to vent my frustrations and things abt life. so i guess this is not the right place after all.

hope u guys always remembered this blog okie. fallenflake is cool. i think if i eever read back on my entries, i must say this has accompanied me thru like.. a life time. ha..

yup. so cya. =) if by chance anyone stumble upon my new blog, thats when we'll meet again! haha. =) cya.

sigh! not another tiring day. but i must preservere. learnt more things today. attended a talk and supervisor taught us some stuff as well. im glad. finally something different from usual picking n packing?!! haha.

met grace k charmaine and cheryl for dinenr. gosh. i will miss grace badly. sigh. nearly wanted to cry today when we went separate ways. friday shall be the night man. she'll be leaving by then. to london. wad a faraway place!

isit my problem when i feel that im not being well informed of stuff? argh. im getting so pissed off with all the miscommunication ben and i have regarding club stuff. he always assumes tt i know things tt he knows. apprently i DON't. okie, get it loud and clear, I DON"T. if i know i wont be asking stupid qns, and wait for him to tell me, i thot u knew?! HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO this is enough. i tried. eveyrthing abt him abt club i tried okie. perhaps right now im tired and weary and have tonnes of stuff for me to handle, i fele like giving up. sigh.

my aunt passed away last night. mum looked so tired and sad in the morning. couldnt concentrate on work the whole day today. sigh. the scene of her suffering just kept coming back to me. poor thing. but sometimes, isnt dying much better than living?

k. gonna go attend funeral tomor. this week is jammed pack again. good hUH. sigh. im so upset abt ebverything. god. give me a break.

nights.

just woke up not long ago. supposed to meet up with charm today. in the end not. and yeah.. i decided not to go church today cuz of that.. but then now cancelled. sigh. but still, im going to get some things done today. which is to prepare for my major project. gotta submit draft introduction next sat. and yup.. go buy some stuff. later still gotta woek in the evening.

it's been yet another tiring week. i guess such weeks are many to come. so i better get used to it instead of being weak and falling sick. having bad sore throat now. =(

visited my aunty yesterday. the sight of her condition made me feel really sad. not tt im close to her.. but still, seeing someone u duno already saddens u, wad more it's someone whom u call aunty? her ignorant friend really pissed my whole entire family off by applying some lame chi medicine on my aunty's wound for like a week. until 3 days ago it caused her blood vessels to burst. she nearly died of excessive loss of blood. gosh. thank God i wasnt there to witness it. if not, trust me, tt would kill me as well. ever since tt incident, shes like in a semi-conscious state. couldnt talk properly, cant open her eyes, and cant sit up on her own, cant go toilet at all. now shes refusing to eat or drink. my bro had to support her to make her sit up yesterday. hear her painful whining. the smell of the room with medicines, the sight of her state, simply couldnt make me stay there any longer. i just had to leave the room. nearly cried.

there was this fear in me ever since i saw her. wad would i do if any dear ones just die like that? cuz yesterday there was this old lady whose room was next to my aunt's just passed away, in the midst of her family members crying and chanting the buddhist thingy. eveyrthing so real, was placed in front of me. gosh. i was frightened i must say. im not scared of dying, but it certainly hurts to see ur dear ones dying before u. that reminded me of my great grandma whom i din manage to see her for the last time. my biggest regret? perhaps. i held her hand when her body laid still on the bed. cold temp of her hand chilled me and i could still rem how i cried. ppl tell me to accept it, it's the harsh fact of life, everyone has to die. yup. i guess so. but cant i whine and be upset for a few days? at least i think i ought to be in the process of accepting this fact.

shes dying. i know and could see. but i cant bear to see tt happening. last night when i was working, my aunty just kept coming back to my mind. i couldnt concentrate at all man. sigh! i made garlic bread fly in the air, pot lids dropped on the floor, cut my own finger. sigh. terrible day. plus my recent dampened mood. it was damn sucky.

ben told me this teaches me to really cherish wadever i have right now. the fact is, i had always been doing that. just that, right now, im so scared of ppl leaving me. the insecurity in me is acting up. sigh. i dun think anyone would understand la. oh well. im a lamer when it comes to being insecured and all.

yup. guess i would still stay in the club. i wont say die so easily. not like the usual grace. if theres any changes, let me accept and over come them. at least tts wad i think i should be doing, instead of leaving my committee demoralised by the fact tt im going to leave.

and i want to be a support to others. and perhaps there are things that i shouldnt probe too much into. someitmes jut leavin things the way they are might not be a bad solution to problems. grill grill grill!!!!!!!!! let my body and mind have the same mindset now! arghhhhh. =p maybe im just kpo. i wish to know everything. hahaha. but i should respect the other party as well. talking tonnes of crap.

grrrrr. going to work again today!!! i hope it's not going to be as busy as it was last night. i nearly killed myself last night. in the midst of garlic bread flying, i had to pick up burnt fish and prawns from the deep fryer. hahaha. cuz i left them there for toolong. im so not for cooking la. made some ice honey drink before we closed last night. i suppose i wont drink honey for quite long cuz i drank like duno how sweet honey drink just to taste if they're sweet enough. haha im lame.

okie la. gotta go work on my MP first. cya. =p MP: Major project

im so TIRED. GOd, i pray for strength. feeling so lethargic that i could just die any moment. HAI.

work is stressful and tiring huh? i guess it makes everything to be in the bad light. perhaps i should take this weekend to loosen myself up. before i set off to work and deal with club stuff next week.

perhaps i really think too much sometimes. sigh. feeling so unappreciated whenever i have to think abt ppl. it sucks sometimes. and it's worse.. when others dun understand how exactly the feeling is.

charm just reminded me that grace is leaving for aust next week. sigh. im feeling so sad. flashbacks just kept coming to my mind the whole day. abt the time we spent together since sec sch, together with charm and the rest. that night when charm asked me to go look at cheryl's blog.. which she posted our sec sch pictures. gosh. they just reminded me of eveyrthing. i feel like crying now la. sigh. im so sad tt shes leaving. i hope i dun cry that day when we send her off. i promise to be smiling and say goodbye. =( i'll miss her soooooooo much. but i'd be strong. cuz i know charm would cry like mad.

and deb's leaving next sat too. i'll miss her much too. i feel bad whenever i'll throw tantrums at her, and all she does would be to tolerate my nonsense and speak sense into my brain which is usually not working so well whenever tt happens. yest she told me tt im an amazing person tt ppl love. oh my gosh. i was so touched. i din know she loves me tt much. haha. hai. but other ppl might think likewise, or just treat me like nothing.

work was a killer today. given the fact tt i was stil not feeling well. today had been the worst day at work. kana scolded by a very old pharmacist. wa piang. she should just retire. her voice is like sooooo irritating and blaming evyrething tt went wrong to attachment students. aiyo. get a life leh. just now ended work at 530. yet we stayed back all the way until 6 plus 7 to colalte all the stuff we found throughout the week, and also to ask some of them qns. haha wow. finally feel like im doing some dpp work. haha feel so proud of myself. went to tm to buy contact lens solution. and bought some bbq chicken sticks from the jap stall at basement. as i walked i munched the food i bought, felt so good. haha. im so lame. =p

okie going to watych full house now. yup. im watching it AGAIN. haha. so lame. hehe cya. bb

yupp. right now, im at home. din go to work today. cuz seriously felt damn sian and tired and yeah.. im sick la. got sore throat and running nose. i sound like a horse now cuz my voice is like so HOARSE. bad headache too. cant believe i went all the way to tamp to meet edwin they all, and i decided to return home. spent the whole morning travelling and waiting for the doc to see me at the polyclinic. i felt like an idiot when i stepped into tamp polyclinic for the first time and i din know where to get my queue number. so in the end, i left the place and went to geylang polyclinic instead. im sucha piece of lameshit.

anyways.. had a meeting with the advisors, namely ah tan, wallace and mag hor together with bendy and deb on monday evening. well. it was a long.. annoying.. yet a necessary thrash out talk. gosh. the way wallace spoke seriously got me so pissed off tt i cried on the spot. so pai se. sigh. was already not feeling well since that night. had been feeling hot flushes on my face for the past week. like suddenly my face would turn really hot. anyways, there're too many misunderstandings, too much miscommunication and yeah. sigh. managed to clear MOSt of them. and i seriously feel guilty after listening to wad wallace said to us tt day. deb and i, worked with him and mag hor since last year.. yet we din understand wad kinda person they were. how sad was it? i could totally understand their disappointment in us, more than anyone else. i went back and did some self reflection. perhaps i was being too emo too, im not sure.

yesterday was sub comm retreat. i wished i was on mc yesterday instead. oh well. in the end went back to join them for BBQ after work. wow. this year's sub comms are lively, noisy, and some pretty ones too. y am i sounding so surprised? cuz well, there're a few faces tt i've nv seen before. cuz they got interviewed and accepted instead of going for the camp. haha. im having high hopes for this year i suppose. wallace, mag hor and alison had a talk with all the main comms last night, perhaps without gowri la since shes in india right now. the club's different now. advisors would set boundaries for us, and we'll overcome it. their definition of training us to be leaders. should i accept it? or should i just tell them im out of this belief, or perhaps they should be out of the club? im not sure. at the very least.. this wasnt wad i wanted to see happening when i decided to run for the club for the 3rd year. have many thots on my mind.. sad ones. happy ones, and i totally understand where the advisors are coming from. i just dun understand why am i having sucha hard time accepting it. mindsets could only be changed by us and ourselves. so if i dun feel happy working this way, i dun think i could learn much for the coming year to come. hai. that wasnt wad i wanted for the main comms too. suddenly, i feel like im forced to throw away my own perception of things, and receive new ones. really disappointed in some way. wonder if i could go on like that. if i decided to drop out of this, would this mean im not a leader? perhaps not one in their eyes, and it's be the greatest disappointment wallace would have, cuz it's me of all ppl. right? cuz of all these, the moment i woke up this morning, i felt tt my head's so heavy. my heart too. i cant explain how much i've went thru for the past 2 yrs. all i could is to repeatedly asking myself, is this wad i want for the club? i thot, they asked us for wad we wanted for the club on the very first day we met after the election results. does tt matter anymore? im no longer sure. this change of culture, change of perception, change of ppl.. is really getting me nowhere. sigh. i duno.

i hate relationships. they get me on my nerves. leaving ppl not knowing wad to do. when i felt tt this path was the right one, things just kept coming and tell me tt it's not. when i want to consider other ppl's feelings, i get hurt myself. when would this vicious cycle ever end? the more i feel for that someone, the more i dun wish to do anything that would hurt anyone. and i just end up crying in the wee hours of the night. when i felt tt im trusted and im the one, i would come to realise perhaps im not needed at all. indispensable i thot, yet dispensable. just like medicine, take when necessary. im not like antibiotics, when patients gotta finish the whole course. but only when it's necessary. wad am i man. feeling so unappreciated right now. and sad. and perhaps, things shouldnt have turned out this way in the first place. i put myself in such situation. that until i dun even know which way is the right one.

gosh. my head is hurting. feeling slpy after eating my medicine. my whole mind's filled with disappointment with diff ppl. these 2 weeks had been a bad one. really bad. cuz im really tired from sip. anything could just make me fall right now, and i know i am falling. sigh. money matters occurring at home too is driving me nuts. wads this? longest entry ever i guess. but to say i update like once a week, this is reasonable. haha. alright. im going to bed. cant take it anyomre. nights.

yuPPy. woke up an hr later today than usual. still early la, but instead of going to work, i headed to sch. wad was i doing in school then? met up with joanne, then the main committee, to talk about any grievances they have regarding the advisors problem. now i've gathered enough of that, then it's time for ben and i to meet the advisors. sigh, this is getting so political. i hate it. why cant everyone just sit down peacefully and talk things out? im not sure if i would want to be an adult like them.

really must thank Joanne for helping us out. hai. in fact, we shouldnt be troubling her at all. well, no choice. =( preparing to meet the advisors on monday evening. wa lao, mag hor still sounded so resentful over the phone when ben told her to contact other advisors to see if they could make it for the camp. sigh. monday's gonna be a bad day. trust me on that. to me, it feels like peace before a heavy storm that is to come right now. another day to rest and think properly before we meet up with the most difficult ppl to talk to currently! =( why must all this happen? God's trying to test our PR skills HUH. damn lame la. sighhhh.

after meeting, met up with shah, huijing and sinee to discuss abt arts festival. woah. trust me. this is going to be the most exciting and biggest proj for the year. i believe so. hehe. so excited abt it. cuz it's so massive. stretches on over a week. and our own production? sounds damn tough, but i believe we'll all try to get it done. =) i'm in charge of publicity side. wa lao,  very excited la. haha kept thinking abt how am i going to do it. hehe. it feels like when we're planning for week 0, but this time round, i believe we'll be able to excel in something. at least, before i leave TP? =) high expectations for it right now. cOOl.

went singing with bendy, azuan, zw and jx. hehe. im so happy that bendy could make it la. anyway im losing my voice. he acc me home too. haha. =) sweet.

andrew called me from bangkok this afternoon and just now. woah. he said he bought me alot of stuff la. and not from the "japalang" kinda places. feeling quite pai se la. shouldnt have bought me anything in the first place. so nice of him.

can u believe it. im home at like 8pm tonight. the earliest time i ever got home for the past like.. few months? haha. impressed. my mum too. hahaha. im feeling damn lame. a great time for me to rest early and slp early i guess? =) missed my house so much. hahaha. im lame.

okie la. gotta go and bathe and rest. update again. hehe.

yes. finally, today's the end of the first week of work attachment. gosh. it seriously burnt me out.

im so god damn tired. sighhhhh. heels are swollen. cuz i stood for too long. and they hurt whenever i walk. anyway i always had this prob. but apparently this became worse after i started working.

cut my finger with the scissors today. how clumsy can i get. sighh! and my nose bled in the morning, and in the evening too. wa lao. im losing blood everywhere. period's here too. feeling damn weak la. giddy man. time to get some rest.

studies club had been crappy. bloody wallace. sigh. all the emo ppl should all go and bury themselves. sigh. wads happening? the club's falling apart? im damn sad. upset rather. angry with a bunch of ppl who dun dare to voice out their opinion, angry with people who din bother listen to any explanation and went on assuming that ppl did them wrong. im so disappointed in wallace. i thot he couild be better than this. throwing tantrum. or rather, being obstinate. attiude prob. refusing to talk to anyone of us. sigh. complcated. and im really stressed out by it. having to work and think abt it at the same time certainly wasnt an easy job. im so tired. sigh. cried. screamed. dozed off and woke up late. evemyrthing happened for the week. certainly not a good week for me. adapting period's still on. so tired. argh.

siggghhhhh. feeling tired. disappoibnted. and desperate for a solution to finish off all these nonsense stuff. sighh. need slp. tmr going back to sch for meeting to settle this prob. oh God, i pray for peace to come. nights.

gosh. im super tired. totally drained. was on time for sip today. but sigh, i dozed off when the supervisor was giving the briefing. wad a bad impression he can have abt me la... sian.

got woken up when i entered into out-patient pharmacy after the orientation round the hosp. anyways, i've been posted to out-patient pharmacy, which is to pick and pack medicines according to the prescriptions of the patients for 1 and half mths. then i'll move to retail pharmacy for a week, then drug info, then in-patient department. for the next few months. im quite happy with this arrangement. at least it gives me a chance to know wad the others are like. =) however, out-patient pharmacy wasnt tt working friendly for first day. it was HELL busy. im not sure if only mondays were so busy, or im not used to it.. or it's just HELL busy. we practically learnt to pck and pack medicines, lets say 5 times together with one of the staff there, then we're left on our own and we packed medcines the WHOLE day. can u imagine we got so engrossed with the work that we forgot to go for lunch for half an hr? haha. funny and surprising right. guess it's gonna be tiring for the next few months. but i shall endure. and time to find out if i would really want to stay in such line for a few years after i graduate. well, at least the ppl there are friendly and willinmg to teach us, in the midst of stress and being busy. hehe. thank GOd.

sigh. just spent almost 100 bucks of my pay getting formal wear. or rather, more formal clothes than my usual slack clothes la. cuz requirement for sip. damn sian. heart ache la. now i feel so broke. tmr still gotta buy new shoes for sip, cuz i thikn i'd die if i wear my pathetic black shoes to work. cuz perhaps my feet will break before i die from pain.

great experience. =) but i miss everyone. except my job. haha. anyways, the camp killed me la. my energy level will remain low for this whole week. when will i get a chance to recuperate? hmmmm. oh well.

k la. it's almost 1. i need to slp. gdnight!

it's 0023 right now on a sunday night. i just got home from sch.. like half an hour ago. going to slp right after this.

im TIRED. both mentally and physically strained. the meeting after break camp officially ended at 11pm. and together with the packing of logistics and stuff, i left sch at abt 1130.

camp had been the most tiring one i've ever been. yes, as a participant la.. of cuz it was not as tough as week zero.. but this was seriously physically challenging can.

on fri night, played a series of ice breakers and mind wrenching games. it was fun, but nights out was at 12am. seriously early and wallace was so damn strict and fierce! so obviously.. i din slp all the way till 2 plus. then wad happened? damn it. the worst has come true. at 330am, siyuen and juv came opening the doors, switching on the nights and gave us 5 min to assemble downstairs in our shoes. i was super pissed being woken up from slp. and wad happened next got me relaly annoyed! we had to run!!!!!! round tp. at 330am. and played some stupid games. it was sooooooo tiring. and yup, games went on and the 2nd day activity just carried on into the day.

missed quite abit of sat afternoon's activity, since ben and i had to attend council meeting. we spent hours staying in the LT resting after the rest left for some comm svc proj. we talked. haha. interesting. =) most fruitful day after so long i guess. after meeting, rushed down to changi Village, to find out we would be slping in tents at night! rushed for dinner, then nightwalk at old changi hosp and the old commando's barracks started. gosh. i walked thru the hosp. it was scary. when we're in the both places, the sky felt like the sun was abt to rise in an hr's time. unusual colour of the sky. however, i conquered my fears once again. =)

oh. and each grp was supposed to come up with a proj proposal to seek sponsorship to aid 3 needy families stated in the problem statement, so that food rations or furnitures could be bought for them. gosh. i heard tt these 3 families were really poor souls. i was impressed by the level of coordination wallace and mag hor had to do in order to make a bunch of students who knew nothin abt proposals to write out a real one, and doing comm svc at the same time. the family we went to, their house was so old and tattered. 2 rooms living unit, sqeueezy and smelly. on sunday, we went to buy paint and brushes, got a free sofa sponsored, bought a DIY shoe rack and cabinet from IKEA, and an electronic stove for them. we painted the house's walls.. cleaned up the place.. blah blah took us total of about 6 hours just on sunday alone! imagine the number of hrs they spent there when i was not ard on sat afternoon. haha.

i learnt alot during this camp. how to be a facilitator, aas well as a participant at the same time. not easy at all. ppl looked upon us cuz we're from the committee. and yup, comm svc this time was a big success to me as we have brought a smile to the old man's face after we did everything for him and his granddaughter. the granddaughter who is an adult cried at the end of the day. i believ it's the bond tt we established with the other party tt mattered the most other than the materialistic donating. IM so sure, now another bunch of students have a better idea of wad comm svc realy is. =) comm svc is now called community learning! where we learn and develop our character and values. moreover, we're given a sum of money to plan how to get as much food rations, furniture, blah blah as possible. i thot tt was really cool for a qns to be posed to potential sub comms.

hehe. though really tired, but now i know the camp was worth it. but im going to die for my first day of attachment tmr. sigh. god bless me with energy and strength pls. =(

okie. gotta slp. gdnight. =) i love asc.

=) yes. hehe. ubin rocked. went there at abt 12 plus. and we cycled under the hot sun and rocky paths for like hours. yay. im so happy. was really happy. finally, ubin trip is over. for a year plus? yeah. i'd been hoping to go there. it brought back so much memories. memories tt perhaps i dun wish to rem, but yup, they reappeared in my mind. but oh well. hehe. i've had a good time with ben, mic, azuan, jx and sinee.

can u imagine? we're playing uno cards by the beach. haha. tt was hilarious. and we burnt mosquito coil to chase away mosquitoes instead of a proper insect repellent. and only mr bendy ho was effectively protected by it since he was the one carrying it. haha. so cute man. cant stand it. haha.

i drank 2 coconuts there. haha. was so dehydrated. and anyway, just a reminder that my napfa was just yesterday. and YES, im aching all over, old ones plus new ones. thats gonna kill me for my camp tmr.

gosh. camp. sigh. dreading to go. cuz so many things to bring. and i heard we'll be slping in the open. ah! meaning slping with insects?! sigh! im praying for the best. not a survival camp pls. i hope we can have fun. but at the same time, im hoping to exert as little energy as possible, cuz my sip is in 4 days time from now. wish me luck.

camp's ending on sunday evening. hopefully im still alive by then. hehe.

so yup. will update again. i really had fun today. happiest day of so many weeks. =p